I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
