so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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