I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
MIDGETS
????
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
