Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
