I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
