I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
