I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
