he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
