Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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