you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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