I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
