I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
