oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
