I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
