I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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