Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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