Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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