I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
