when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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