Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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