Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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