I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
