I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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