I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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