I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
