Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
