Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
