It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
