I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
