nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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