Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
