the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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