So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
