I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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