You're completely useless in the revolution.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
