I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
