i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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