Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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