he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
