I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
