and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
