i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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