a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
