my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
