I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
