I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
