I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
