Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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