the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Michael Bay diarrhea
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
