i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
