don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
