Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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