He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
