Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
